You are a failure.
Hiya, Bri here. I recently posted to Facebook, and asked my friends what my final post should be for my “30 Blog Posts in 30 Days” project. You can learn about my new program, “14 Blog Posts in 10 Days” here, for folks who want to write, but are too afraid of — you guessed it — failure.
For my 30th day, I wanted to do something woo-woo, or inspiring. So, I wrote:
A friend commented, “I need one on how to let go of regretting past failures. Specifically, I would love mantras or specific techniques that aren’t just like ‘forgive urself’.”
Mantras Suck.
Well, I fucking hate mantras, because unless you write them, create them, and collude with them — they’re worthless. They’re trite, they miss the mark, and they make you feel dumb.
Moving On
So, without further ado, let’s talk about failure.
Specifically, *your* failures.
And mine, I guess. I’m part of this conversation, too.
Failure is a bitch. Especially if you’re a driven, Type-A, go-getter (and the friend who wrote in asking for this post is all of those things). I don’t ever EVER “let go” of things. I hoard my pain and my failures, and will tell anyone who tells me to “let go” of things to FUCK RIGHT OFF.
THESE FAILURES ARE MINE, ALL MINE.
I EARNED THIS PAIN, AND THESE FAILURES, DAMN IT. My ineptitude, procrastination or shortcomings led me here. AND I WILL BE DAMNED IF I LET YOU TAKE THESE FRAUGHT FEELINGS AND FAILURES AWAY FROM ME.
Ahem. Yeah, so if you’re not down to stay in that headspace for forever, here’s my guide on letting go of past failures.
Step One: Sink Your Claws In
One of the biggest roadblock in “letting go of failure” is FEELINGS. Specifically. not letting yourself fully feel the disappointment of them.
We shrug off the hurt and embarrassment of failure, and try to pep talk our way out of it. We avoiding the feelings that come with failure altogether, but they follow us around. I call these feels “zombie vampire ducklings” because they’re terrifying (and gross), and follow one around the way ducklings follow their mama.
Weird metaphor. Anyways:
Fuck that. Fuck avoiding your feelings on failure. I want you to sit down, and really feel the feelings of failure. Picture yourself being a vulture or creature with sharp teeth or claws, flexing your appendages and ripping into the feelings of failure. We’re going to #LeanIn and feel those feelings, in all their nasty glory.
Dedicate time and space, right now to feel the turmoil, resentment and yucky feelings we try to run away from. Embrace the crud.
You may start sobbing during this, and that’s okay. Picture me, or another loved one, spooning you or holding your hand while you do this.
Step Two: Sit With It
After you’ve had your Maleficent-like experience, I want you to sit with the pain. Notice it’s edges. If it had a color, what would it be? Get scientific with it, or artistic. How would you paint this failure? How would you measure it? What does it look like/sound like?
Step Three: “I am a failure.”
Say this out loud. Say, “I am a failure. I failed at ___________________.”
Keep repeating, “I failed.”
Failure isn’t good or bad, it’s our feelings about failure that make it awful.
Step Four: “I will fail again.”
Say, “I will fail again,” because you will. Sometimes, our fear/revulsion at failure is because we don’t want to feel that way again. We avoid it at all costs.
But guess what, bb? To live a creative and full life, you will fail again. And that’s okay.
Picture yourself in a soft warm place, and really give yourself permission to fail again.
“I will fail again.”
Step Five: “I will fail again — but better.”
Sit down with your journal (or google doc, or whatever) and write down what led you to failing, and how you can do better in the future. Write about your pain/feelings and write, over and over, “I will fail again — but better.”
You’ve learned lessons that are going to help you on your journey, and now you’re off to make new and better mistakes.
Step Six: “I am on my way to __________________.”
What do you like about yourself? What thing or accomplishment did that failure keep you from reaching? Use this mantra to remind yourself that that failure was a stepping stone, and you’re now equipped to move forward and go after what you wanted in the first place.
Your failures are helping you along your way.
Step Seven: Rinse and Repeat
I find myself repeating different parts of this cycle, as needed. The most important part, the key takeaway here, is to feel all your feelings fully. Emotions are a barometer on how you’re doing, and sometimes (esp with failure) you have to wade through the muck to get where you’re going.
Eventually, you’ll get to a place where you’ve so thoroughly felt the feelings, that you don’t give a shit any more. You’ll move past it, but first you have to be really present with it.
I love you. You got this. And I’m excited to share my failures with you in the future, and have you share yours with me.
Love,
Bri
Join my new program, “14 Blog Posts in 10 Days” here, for folks who wan to write, but are too afraid of — you guessed it — failure. If you want to take our relationship to the next level, subscribe to my email list.
